Do You Have Trouble Asking for Help? - This is a Skill You Can Learn

Do you resist asking for help--until it's your last resort?

Join the crowd.

Our fierce independence is creating a culture of need--and unprecedented isolation.

Attendance at club meetings is down 58 percent, involvement in church activities has dropped as much as 50 percent, and simply having friends over to the house has decreased 45 percent. Meanwhile, one in four people say they have no one to confide in--and most everyone reports overwhelming levels of stress at home and on the job.

The good news?

You can learn to ask for help. But first, you've got to figure why you don't, why you should, and how you can.

Why we don't ask for help

Asking for help is so frightening that, even when faced with death, some of us will still not ask for that helping hand. To overcome this dread, you've got to debunk some common cultural myths--and face your fears:

Myth: Asking for help makes you look weak or needy.

Reality: There's no shame in turning to others in times of need. In fact, it's a sign of strength.

Myth: Asking for help signals incompetence--especially at work.

Rea5B4lity: Seeking help at work shows others that you want to do the job right--and to develop and learn.

Myth: Asking for help can harm relationships.

Reality: Healthy relationships are about give-and-take--not just give.

Myth: Asking for help puts others in an awkward position.

Reality: It's human nature to offer help when you see someone in need--and it's no different when others see you in need.

Myth: Asking for help might lead to rejection.

Reality: Even a "no" response offers the opportunity to learn more about yourself--and your relationships.

Myth: Asking for help means the job might not get done right.

Reality: Refusing to ask for fear of losing control maintains the status quo. Let go and give your helpmate a chance to shine.

Myth: Asking for help means you'll have to return the favor.

Reality: Help freely given comes with no strings attached--other than a simple and sincere thank-you.

Myth: Asking for help just isn't the American way.

Reality: Independence and self-sufficiency are admirable qualities that lead to success. Still, all great enterprises--including our nation--were built on mutual support and teamwork.

Why we should ask for help

Mastering the "Mayday" call can ease and enhance your life and career in a variety of ways. Asking for help:

Deepens connections

When someone answers your call for help, it strengthens5B4 the bond between you--or creates the potential for a new relationship.

Reduces stress and restores energy

Getting help can save you time and energy, simplify your life, and improve your work-life balance.

Reminds you that you're not alone

Everyone needs help at times. If you're the type who endures hardships with grim determination, you'll discover you don't have to go it alone.

Gives happiness to others

Don't you feel good when you help someone else? Letting others help you gives them that same opportunity.

Leads to personal growth

Taking risks, learning to trust, and finding out that others have got your back are just a few of the lessons you'll learn.

Allows the pleasure of surrender

Being out of control can actually feel great. Once asking for help gets a little easier, you'll relish the experience of letting go.

Reminds you that you're worthy of support

You deserve a hand as much as anyone else. When someone comes to your aid, it reinforces that message.

Lets others shine

Seeking help gives others the opportunity to reach out, contribute, and try something new.

Clarifies relationships

Mayday calls reveal the strengths and limitations of relationships--and provide important "aha" moments.

Solves problems

Don't overlook the original reason for the Mayday call: You're in trouble a5B4nd need help--help that could potentially change, or even save, your life.

How we can ask for help

Too many of us would rather go it alone when help is right there--just for the asking. Here are ways to reach out with comfort and confidence:

Practice.

Building your Mayday muscles requires regular exercise. Challenge yourself to ask for help three times a day--every day.

Go easy on yourself.

Self-care is the new self-help. Be compassionate with yourself--and remember that you, too, are deserving of help.

Cast a wider net.

Expand your list of helpmates. Look beyond the obvious--family and friends, and co-workers--and add some new names to the list, starting with someone who's been in your shoes.

Plan the time--and place.

Talk to your potential helpmate as soon as possible. Pick a convenient time for him or her, and do it in person--and in private.

Be specific.

Articulate your needs. Clarify what you're looking for--from terms to timelines--though be careful not to micromanage.

Listen differently.

Be attentive to the subtle cues behind a general "yes" or "no" response. Is your potential helpmate willing--or reluctant?

Use the "three thanks" rule.

Don't flub the thanks. Express your gratitude three times--when the agreement is struck, when the need has been met, and when you next see your helpmate. Ask ea568rly, ask often

No one is immune from needing help, even in today's go-it-alone culture. So, take a risk and "make the ask"--early and often. It just may change your life!

Sincerely,

Kevin "K-Man" McNabb

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Kevin "K-Man" McNabb is the author of "The Responsible Network Marketer" series that can be found at:

http://global-networking-online.com/

Spiritual Cinema Secrets

Self Help Marriage

Let me start by congratulating you for coming this far. Since you are reading this article, I will take a leap of faith and assume your marriage has hit a bit of trouble or needs revitalising and you are searching for self help marriage solutions. You have taken the first steps to improving your marriage and regaining the happy, exciting love you once shared.

Its not easy admitting your marriage has problems. When we get a cold or flu, we will generally try and take care of ourselves. We will not immediately jump in the car and visit the doctor. Why? Because going to the doctor takes time and money and generally, we can handle a cold ourselves. We do not need a doctors help.

The same can be applied to your marriage problems. You do not need to rush off to expensive counselors or therapists every time your marriage has a problem. You have the skills and power to sort out your problems with a little self help marriage guidance, in the form of a self help book.

Self help marriage books are just like any other self help books on the market. They help you to help yourself. The best marriage books will show you how to identify the problems your marriage is facing and provide you with step by step instructions of the best way for dealing with your particular problem. They will provide you with the skills to make your relationship better.

When your marriage hits a problem, you now have a real alternative choice to solving your problems. Traditionally, you could bury your head in the sand and hope the problem went away. You can pay for expensive marriage therapists, or worse, a divorce. Or you can take control of the situation with the skills you will learn from a self help marriage book that will show you how to fight the pain and bring back the love you onceshared.

Click Self Help Marriage If you want to save your marriage, but don't know where or how to start. If you want to find the best marriage help guides available online, guides that literally take you by the hand and offer real solutions to saving your marriage.

Guides that have testimonials from 1000s of happy couples who have not only saved their marriage but made them better. Guides so powerful, that they offer a 100% refund guarantee if you can not save your marriage - Click Help With A Failing Marriage to discover the best online marriage guides available and start saving your marriage today!

26Dhttp://www.marriage-help-online.com

Jehovah

How to Use Eye Contact to Make a Good Impression

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to make new friends so easily, while others find it so hard to form successful relationships with new people?

Researchers who study relationships have discovered that a big difference between those people who make new friends easily, and those who don't, is that socially successful people tend to make eye contact with their conversation partners much more frequently than those who are less successful socially.

Many shy people never make eye contact at all. When speaking with others, people who are socially unsuccessful and who have a hard time making new friends, are more likely to look down at the ground, or look away. They rarely will look at the face of the person they are talking with.

If you have been less successful in making friends than you wish, you may be able to become much more socially successful by making this one simple change to your behavior.

Most North Americans, especially Caucasians, prefer to have a lot of eye contact when they are talking with someone. When a person doesn't make eye contact with them, North Americans tend to assume that person is hiding something. The very phrase "shifty-eyed" connotes a person whose eyes dart around the room, implying that they are untrustworthy.

When you are having a conversation with someone and you want to leave a friendly impression, be sure to keep looking at that person frequently while you are talking. You dont need to use a piercing stare, a friendly gaze will do.

If it really bothers you to look directly into another persons eyes, you can look at the persons face without focusing solely on the eyes. If you gaze generally at the eyebrow area or the bridge of the nose, this is close enough to the eye region that you will appear to be looking at the2237 person's eyes. You may find that it eases your own discomfort if you let your vision go slightly out of focus.

Whenever you are in conversation with someone, keep the majority of your focus on the other person. If you glance around the room too much, or look too frequently at other people, your conversation partner may assume that you are bored, or that you are looking around for someone else you would rather talk with.

If you have difficulty knowing exactly how to make eye contact, you can benefit from practicing in front of a mirror, or practice with another person.

Dont stare at other people too intensely however! A very intense, unblinking stare can make your conversation partners feel very uncomfortable.

You can lighten the impression you are making by smiling more often, nodding, and by gazing at the entire face as well as the eyes. In addition, you can frequently glance away for brief periods.

When people get the sense that you are really paying attention to them, and that you enjoy talking with them, they will be much more likely to want to have conversations with you!

This article is from the new report by Royane Real, titled "Your Guide to Making Friendly Conversation" If you want to improve your conversation skills, download it today or get the paperback version at http://www.lulu.com/real

Buddha Nature

Love Is The Answer To Happiness

The thesis of this discourse is this: love is the answer to happiness.

Love, the most powerful force in creation, is also the most misunderstood.

It is misunderstood because of the context with which it arises: that of relationship. All relationships imply love, either an offering of it or a withdrawal of it. Thus, our understanding of love is conditioned by varying degrees of attachment and aversion. And because of this, there is an element of self-protection that is projected outwardly and becomes control.

Thus, our understanding of love is completely contaminated by all the associations that arise from it.

So what we have then is conditional love; love that is allowed if certain conditions are met.

In truth, none of this is really love, just as a delicious meal, sprinkled with some mud cannot be said to be appetizing any longer.

Love, real love, is acceptance. That is all it is. Simply accepting what is. From that acceptance flows giving and caring, nurturing and compassion.

When you see a beautiful flower wet with dew, you feel an out-flowing force from your heart. This emotion is love. It is a complete acceptance of the flower. You may call it beauty or appreciation, but it is really love.

A mother, seeing her child sleeping peacefully, feels love. This is a pure acceptance of the being of the other. Of course, when the child is awake, shouting, crying, and arguing, expressing it's being in a radical way, breaking some social convention of one sort or another, the mother's love is still there, but now it is mixed up with other emotions, anger, confusion, embarrassment. Thus, control is now exerted. A tension visits the relationship and the love that is implied in it is clouded over, at the heart of which are various degrees of non-acceptance.

When the lo5B4ve is uninterrupted, as in the still flower or the sleeping child, it is pure. It is spontaneous. When conditions are imposed, the love becomes something else, not quite definable, but definitely not as spontaneous, pure, and free.

What made Mother Teresa a lover of life? She accepted what was before her. Poverty, disease, and distressing situations. Her love then moved her to give, and the giving was to provide relief to the other.

Love that has conditions, that exerts control to bring the other into alignment with one's belief systems is not real love. There may be elements of love in it, but it is tarnished with some desire for egoic gain. The other must love back. The other must be appreciative. The other must return something to us.

Philosophers, poets, and spiritual people have long believed that love is the central force that holds the universe together. The physical union of love creates children. The emotional union of love creates families and nations. The intellectual union of love creates ideas, discoveries, and inventions. Philosophically, one can even say that the union of subatomic elements in relationship to each other or of planetary bodies in relationship to each other is part of that harmonious, blending, accepting energy that we call love.

Love does not necessarily mean approval. One cannot truly love something despicable. But love does mean acceptance. And once there is accept5B4ance, there is understanding and insight, and if change is necessary for well-being, it is done with wisdom, not reactive emotion.

If human beings were committed to studying love and applying it, the entire planet would change rapidly, and instead of our continued creation of chaos, harmony and cooperation would occur. All sorts of wonderful prospering circumstances for the well-being of all life would emerge.

But as a species, we associate contention with intelligence and survival, and as long as we prefer exclusion to inclusion, we will continue to wreck our own lives and the world in general with our confused thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

When we begin an inquiry into love, then the journey to right living can be said to begin. What is right living? That which provides well-being for self and other. When well-being is high, there is a feeling of safety and acceptance, which creates happiness, a sense that all is well, good, and true and that we need not guard against sorrow.

The summum bonum of all life is happiness. It is the ultimate motive, the end of all striving. Yet this happiness does not come uninvited. It feels invited when love is present.

Saleem Rana would love to share his inspiring ideas with you. Hunting everywhere for a life worth living? Discover the life of your dreams.418 His book Never Ever Give Up tells you how. It is offered at no cost as a way to help YOU succeed. http://www.theempoweredsoul.com/enter.html

Copyright 2004 Saleem Rana. Please feel free to pass this article on to your friends, or use it in your ezine or newsletter. It's a shareware article.

Six Steps To A Successful Life

Love? Sex? Oh! That is Just 5% of What Love Might Represent! What About the Other 95%? [part 2 of 3]

[4] Spouses' love

This is a conditional love, a selfish love that doesn't or won't allow a third party. Is it good or bad? Can you imagine a someone who loves all and practises polygamy? That is not correct too. For goodness sake, think twice..... which do you prefer, monogamy or polygamy? I can predict chaos, disputes, jealousy, envy, selfishness .... if one allows multiple partners. Maybe I am conservative, maybe you are not, but to prevent is better than cure. Since this love is expressed by sex physically, don't distort sexology which should be sacred as well between husband and wife. Sex is part of our life as of food and drinks. It is a physiological and emotional need shared between loved ones.

Don't be a pervert. Be principle-centered. Ying and Yang balancing emotional acts will bond a loving couple whereby an imbalance will upset them. Lust and uncontrolled desire are negative forms of human love. To possess another person's body or mind, be it physically or mentally is something unkind. At least, love is about sharing and caring. It is our culture, our attitude towards how one looks at sex. Too much explicit and wrong concepts of sex from different medias have influenced our society and causing an alarming degrading of moral values among us. Let's pray that this negative will come to a stop. It all starts from us, as parents to set a good example.

Don't get yourself involved, be wise.... for the sake of all... for the sake that love or sex between spouses is sacred as should be, and meant to be a positive and healthy practise.... It is an attachment, sometimes a headache when there is a misunderstanding. Think twice, there is always this law of love. Don't be entangled in the webs of miseries, lies, desperate cries and eventually these marriages will soon die off

[5] Friends' loves

Friendships among friends are 5B4genuine relationships. Friendship is earned through trials and errors, proven with time, cemented by trust and forbearance. Mutual respect is one important trait between friends. 'Be friendly but not too familiar' is also a phrase that I always emphasize. As married friends we know our limits as not to go too personal.

A friend is ever so kind and understanding. A friend is ever so caring and considerate. A friend is ever interested in our work, but not interrupting. A friend is ever so concerning, be we literate or illiterate.

A friend's smile will be so enlightening. A friend's smile will be so encouraging. A friend's smile will be so touching. A friend's smile will be so warming.

Whoever and wherever that friend he is. Whatever and whichever that friend he is. He is always concerned and looks into our needs. Really a friend in need and a friend indeed.

He is that somebody who won't meddle up things. He is that somebody who won't burden you with things. He is that somebody who tells you not to worry about small things. He is that somebody who tells you not to do bad things.

He is that somebody who wipes our sweat and says. You need a rest. He is that somebody who wipes our tears and says. It is just God's test. He is that somebody who comforts our fears and says. Relax and stand it. He is that somebody who sacrifices his years and says. It is worth it!

A friend knows when to t577alk and when not to. A friend knows when to hug us and when not to. A friend knows our weaknesses, yet never complaining. A friend knows our heart's desires and always stimulating. A friend knows our silent, hidden, suppressed feeling. A friend knows our rate of heart beat and sick feeling. A friend knows our silly habits and favorite dishes. A friend knows our silly fantasies and wishes.

Yet never laughing at us in any way. Yet never looking down upon us either way. Yet never blaming us for who we are. A true friend indeed is a blessed, rare gift from GOD

to be continued....

Lucy Wong is a health and nutrition consultant. Her interest in health related issues include the development of mental health. She is also keen in sharing Multiple Qs, she is also an educator and has written many articles on this subject in her personal column under "alternative health" in http://submitarticles.biz Read more about mental health articles in her personal column and discover the secrets of maintaining good mental health. Read more from her personal blog too.

Henry Ford

How to Not Change Your Spouse

Loving our spouse is giving them the freedom to be who it is they are. When we love without WANTING anything in return, that is when we have accepted our spouse for being who they are, faults and all.

This of course, doesnt include iniquitous behavior because if anyone is carrying on and regularly doing things in err against spouse or God, they certainly are not being the person they were meant to be. Therefore, this article does not apply to them.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change!

Love is an option; we select the degree of love and what kind of love we will give to our spouse through our actions. Love can sometimes be confusing and misleading, especially if couples are going through trials and tribulations in their marriage and are demanding of one another.

We think that if we could change our spouse, well suddenly be happy and contented with our self. We try and change our spouse because we have stopped accepting them for who they are. Therefore, we cannot seem to love them either.

Pretty soon, we begin to place nasty conditions on the love we give to our spouse. If their faults irritate us bad enough we might not give ANY love at all. Sound familiar?

With no love left to give to our spouse, we might think we have nothing in common anymore? Who knows, maybe we begin to think we married the wrong person? Suppose the person we met last week at work is better than our spouse? Pretty soon we have brainwashed our self into believing our feelings.

No wonder more than half of all marriages end in divorce!

How about, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change!

Couples waste so much of their time and energy trying to change each other. But is that really what needs to be done?

Marriage gurus think they have all the ans11DCwers, and self help books goat and challenge couples to try and change for each other. But most of these people are divorced too! So what gives?

How a bout a little bit of acceptance! It works wonders.

Really, we just need to try and not let those little things bother us. Even some of the bigger things we can detach from. Forgive. Turn the other cheek. Do these things even when you dont want to! Communicate the issue. Let your spouse know what bothers you, but dont make it into a tirade.

Dont scream and yell at them about how bad they are, instead find something positive to say about them. Make them feel good about them self. Thats what works!!

What about, Ill scratch your back, if you scratch mine. This is good in marriage. There is nothing wrong with the give and take type rapport with each other. In fact, this is essentially how couples love each other.

No one can ever love unconditionally, without demands, bargains or expectations, never. You know why? Because were just human, we err, and we have faults.

We need to accept that and move on with our life; hopefully that moving on includes our spouse.

The "give and take" process is a natural occurrence; it is instinctive to do something nice for our spouse because they have done something nice for us. We give and take all day long with most of our interaction in our daily lives; its part of life.

Most marriages work in this fashion; it is a good way for marriage to flourish and grow. It keeps couples on their toes as far as remembering to give of themselves periodically to their spouse EVEN when they dont want to. That is love.

Now, there is a big difference when we put ultimatums on the table. Dishing out ultimatums is more of a nasty conditional love and is based on selfish thinking and usually stems from one or both spouses harboring resentment. "I'll love you, only if you will stop going out with your friends", etc.

This is not love, but a selfish person trying to get their way through manipulation and ultimatums!

Most marriages can be salvaged. We have to stop THINKING we can change our spouse. We really just need to try a little bit harder. Let those things go that we cant do anything about, and stop feeling resentful can make a big impact on the marriage.

Allow your spouse the freedom to just BE. Accept your spouse! Love!

Love is created by a person and not just is. Love takes action to accomplish. The value of the love we give to our spouse is based on how we are feeling at any given moment and time.

If we feel resentment or bitterness towards those we love, we'll inevitably love with resentment and bitterness, which is one way we place nasty conditions on our love.

We don't have to listen to those feelings of bitterness.

"What is generated into our heart comes out in our actions".

Loving someone in the real sense of the word is allowing him or her to be who it is they are. When we learn to play the give and take game fairly is when can accept the person we are married to.

Bottom line, accept your spouse for who they are, give to your spouse without wanting anything in return, and it will eventually be given back to you.

This is how to not change your spouse. Acceptance Is LOVE.

Angie Lewis, author of new release, Journey on the Roads Less Traveled

http://www.spiritual.journeybooks.4t.com/

ISBN 1413788904

Available Amazon and any online bookstore.

Angie Lewis is writer for online marriage ministry.

http://www.heavenministries.com/

What does the Law of Balance have to do with the Law of Attraction

How Well Do You Know Your SELF? - An Exploration of What's Inside

Many categories of self have common characteristics, and there is value in exploring them. By understanding their distinctiveness, we may gain a clearer picture of how each of us fits into the world.

Self-Esteem

Also known as self-worth, a person's self-esteem is forged during the first seven or eight years of life. By then the mind has created the critical faculty (also known as the critical factor) to filter incoming messages, thus protecting the impressionable and immature subconscious. Until that is in place, absolutely everything a child hears, sees, and experiences will fashion a core belief that could be a lifetime guide.

If, during this critical period, a child consistently hears, "You are so disorganized, you'll never amount to anything," or similar judgmental put-downs, there is a strong possibility that the person will experience self-sabotage in later life. In transactional analysis, the core belief is known as the parent and it relentlessly directs behavior. Low self-esteem is created in an atmosphere of conditional love, and subsequently reinforced th5B4rough negative self-talk. Unfortunately, contrary evidence is usually disregarded.

Some people endeavor to bolster their self-esteem through external elements, like marriage, alliance with others, and even the accumulation of money, titles, and degrees. While surrounding oneself with positive people has its benefits, it is problematic to define the self through external trappings.

Although it is a good thing to be proud of accomplishments, it is essential for people to make a clear distinction between their identities and their accomplishments.

All other "selves" emanate from self-esteem, that is, they take cues from the quality of the self-esteem. A fragile self-esteem will spawn weakness. A sound self-esteem, built in an environment of unconditional love, will sponsor resilient self-identities.

Self-awareness is the ability to reflect on our thought processes. We can become aware of many signals received from our bodies. We are not our feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and moods. These are simply processes that we experience and are not a "part" of our essence. We are able to objectively scrutinize the way we see ourselves. This social mirror of our place within humankind allows us to evaluate the roles of nature and nurture in our own attitudes and behaviors.

Self-acceptance is the coming to terms with who we are right now, just as we are with all our faults, weaknesses, and errors, 5B4as well as our assets and strengths. It is important to appreciate that the negatives belong to us they are not us. Recognition of shortcomings is a healthy first step in personal growth. The actual self is necessarily imperfect and dynamically striving for improvement. It is always a work-in-progress. Blatantly professing to be perfect produces great mental strain.

Self-honesty is being in touch with ones own basic human instincts for justice and fairness for self and others. It means being aware of rationalizations used to counter our conscience and other internal signals. It means ridding oneself of the need to appraise self-worth in external terms. It also means assessing ones strengths and weaknesses realistically.

Self-image is a custom-built collage fabricated from how we think others see us. We tend to draw conclusions about ourselves based on how we are treated. Psychologists generally agree that people underrate themselves. An inner sense of mastery and competence is developed only when we focus on our inner core of personal vitality and creativity rather than on seemingly negative evidence.

Negative feedback can be constructive in helping us get back on course; however, when we obsess about what others think, we relentlessly and consciously monitor every act, word, and manner. This creates inhibited, self-conscious perfectionists.

Traditionally, when employees demonstrate5B4d loyalty and hard work, they had an expectation of job security, regular pay increases, and promotions. Now, in many work locations, uncertainty and stress prevail. Habitual feelings of injustice lead to the victim mode of resentment and self-pity, thus lowering self-image and self-esteem.

Self-mastery is the knowledge about how to manage oneself on a daily basis so as to maximize accomplishment. Remember the old saying, By failing to plan, people plan to fail. Setting goals that are specific, timely, achievable, measurable, accountable, and realistic, and which demand just a slight stretch, have the likelihood of being reached, if combined with passion and action.

One constant in life is change. How we manage change depends on our experience and mind-set. An unpleasant encounter may subconsciously program us to either shy away from, or preferably, relish a new challenge. It all depends on how we perceive the original event. Some of my clients are stuck in their jobs, their relationships, or their lives in general. By remaining in their comfort zone, they are denying themselves opportunities to live at their full capacity. Self-mastery is knowing when to learn new skills or take on new responsibilities, when to hold on to beliefs that serve you, and when to let go of beliefs that do not serve you.

Self-efficacy is the context-specific assessment of belief in our personal capabilities to or5B4ganize and execute what is required so as to achieve the intended goal. It is concerned not with the skills we have, but rather with our control over our own level of functioning. People with high self-efficacy choose more demanding tasks. They set higher goals, put in more effort, and persist longer than those who are low in self-efficacy.

Self-efficacy grows through personal and vicarious experience, discipline, and valid feedback. Although usually considered in a single context, there may also be a generalized effect reflecting a persons abilities across a broad array of difficult or novel situations. For instance, if someone is loved by a supportive family on the home front, then that person will display a greater confidence on the job. This will be reflected by peer and management feedback, which will, in turn, show up on the home front, perpetuating the cycle.

Self-confidence is an external manifestation of the health of self-esteem, self-efficacy, and self-mastery. Although it reflects the strength of these selves, it can be purposefully overridden to become a faade that we deliberately create for external scrutiny. I had a client who was a television actor. He once told me that actors often dont know where their next job is coming from. They may seem to possess a great deal of self-confidence, but often it hides a shaky self-esteem.

If it is merely bravado, it is shallow. On the other hand, t5B4he technique of "act-as-if" can have a positive effect on the subconscious, since it cannot differentiate between something real and something vividly imagined.

Self-love is the regard you have for your own happiness. It parallels unconditional love inasmuch as, no matter what you do, you nurture yourself by giving yourself permission to take pleasure in whatever life has to offer. In the therapy of Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), we use the phrase, "I deeply and completely love and accept myself."

Self-actualization is the realization of one's full potential through creativity, independence, spontaneity, and a grasp and appreciation of this world.

There were three brick-layers at work.
Each of them was asked in turn "What are you doing?"
The first brick-layer answered, "I'm laying bricks."
The second answered, "My job... to support my family."
And the third bricklayer smiled and said, "Me? Why, I'm building the world's most magnificent cathedral."

International speaker, Dr. Brian E. Walsh, is the bestselling author of Unleashing Your Brilliance. For much of his 30-year corporate career he was involved in human resources, specifically training.

While living in the arctic, Brian studied anthropology and Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP), which prepar5ABed him for working with other cultures. He was then transferred to China where he served as his companys GM.

After his return to Canada, he elected early retirement to further his earlier interest in NLP and hypnotherapy. He returned to formal study, and within four years had achieved his Ph.D. His dissertation, which focused on accelerated learning techniques, inspired his passion and his book, Unleashing Your Brilliance. Information is available at http://www.UnleashingBook.com

Dr. Walsh regularly conducts workshops on accelerated learning. He is a master practitioner of NLP, an acupuncture detoxification specialist, an EFT practitioner, and a clinical hypnotherapist.

Subscribe to his monthly eZine, "Enriched Learning" at http://www.UnleashingBook.com

Olympian Gods

Love is the Answer!

Express love - we cant miss this message with the advertising for St Valentines Day this month. We see red and pink hearts displayed everywhere as constant reminders to purchase something for those you love so they know you love them. This is all part of retail marketing strategy so they realize sales and profits.

Thats all well and good; its always nice to receive an expression of love at this time of year - flowers, jewelry, cards, lingerie, dinner out or even chocolates. Often it takes an evenB68t like Valentines Day to jiggle the mind of some individuals to remember those they love. So lets talk about love.

What is love? Most would say its a fuzzy feeling, something thats warm deep inside of you that makes you feel good. Or perhaps its a feeling of being comfortable and happy when youre around that person. Some relate it to sexual ecstasy. Others might suggest the bond you feel between parent and child, siblings, spouses, and so on. Most of this love, even the most sincere, comes with expectations. And these expectations are from programming shared to you from birth and on.

What do I mean by expectations? Stop and think about any relationship you are presently in. Perhaps its with your parents or a spouse or a sister. There are certain things you expect from them, ways you expect them to act. Perhaps you expect support from your parents but instead they bash your idea(s), repeatedly. So you get hurt, pull away, and a feeling of something less than love surfaces, even to the point of not speaking for a while. Maybe you are sharing some concerns about a health issue of yours in a conversation with your sister and all she can talk about is her problems; shes not even listening to you. As a result you feel hurt, not cared about, and pull away feeling rejected and unloved. And think how many times your spouse or child has disappointed you in some way because they didnt live up to your expectations!

Heres my take on love now that Ive experienced love with expectations and love without them. Love has nothing to do with the other persons actions! Love is what you feel inside and when its unconditional love it doesnt matter what the other person is or is not doing because you have no expectations; you are simply feeling love towards them. If you are hurt and pull away because of the other persons lack of understanding or caring, you have joined them in a dance of expectations, or conditional love. It has brought you down to their level, for anything other than unconditional love is lesser. Once you realize that their actions are not really related to the relationship, you can love in spite of. Their response to you and your actions are coming from their reference point, their perception, and literally have nothing to do with you; its their stuff!

Once I realized this important aspect of love, I realized I could love and ACCEPT everyone who entered my life path. It didnt mean I had to agree with them or share their perception, but I could honor their place and what was truth for them and still love them. Neither did it mean I must remain in their presence. What a relief that was! From then on I only had to be concerned with my thoughts and feelings and not theirs.

But the beauty of it all is how love like this works. When you love another person and accept them as they are, you send out a5B4 higher level vibration. It could be that they cant connect with your vibration and will walk away, but often you help to raise them to a higher consciousness without them even knowing it. Watch what happens if you smile at someone. Most of the time theyll smile back at you. Thats how it works. You send out love and you receive love in return!

Relationships are ever changing because people are changing. Perhaps a marriage seems wonderful and then obstacles appear, out of nowhere, and the relationship seems to be falling apart, maybe leaving the people wondering what happened. In a relationship both people must be growing, for if one grows and the other doesnt the relationship will wilt. So the relationship changes form, you go your separate ways, but the love doesnt change if its real, unconditional love. What did change was the form of the relationship. No longer will you share your lives in the same way, but an eternal bond was formed that will never end. In this place you will find Exs as friends and able to let go of past hurt and pain. But when you see two Exs who cannot be in the same room without explosive behavior, you have total lack of forgiveness which is simply due to conditional love, expectations and fear-based anger.

The most extraordinary aspect of unconditional love is that it heals everything. Life is made up totally of relationships, relationships with family, friends, work, communi5B4ty, pets, money, career and especially yourself.. So you cannot escape being in a relationship. Misunderstandings, lack of good communication, anger, fear, lack of forgiveness, criticism, judgment, are all products of conditional love which is simply from fear. Love that is unconditional expresses as kindness, understanding, acceptance, forgiveness, happiness, compassion, and peacefulness. Look at both these expressions and you decide which one can heal. Its obvious isnt it? You cannot heal a relationship if youre participating with expectations of your own creation. But if you accept the person as they are, unconditionally, any situation can be healed.

Heres an example. Your friend has unkindly accused you of something that you didnt do, even though she sincerely believes you did. It is hurting you that she could believe this and your first instinct is to fire back with a few choice words of your own in defense of yourself. And you feel justified because you know it isnt a truth at all. But you see, she believes it is a truth.

So in normal circumstances there would be quite an exchange of verbiage and most likely both of you would leave each others presence in an angry huff. But heres another way to handle it. When your friend accuses you unjustly, instead of firing back what if you simply said in a gentle voice, Thank you for sharing this with me. It actually isnt a truth but I understand that5B4 you might think so. What happens here? The confrontation is diffused because if you dont buy into the dance of anger she started, there is no dance. Get the point?

Just think of our world. What if everyone treated everybody as they desire to be treated? What if every individual smiled all day every day? What if people looked for ways to compliment the other person instead of criticizing them? What if people listened instead of always wanting to express their thoughts? What if you were so full of love that it overflowed and spilled out to everyone who crossed your path each day? What a different world we would live in!

Louise Hay, an internationally recognized authority on self-healing and spreading love said this: You are not here to please other people or to live your lives their way. You can only live it your way and walk your own pathway. You have come here to fulfill yourself and express love on the deepest level. You are here to learn and growWhen you leave the planetthe only thing you take is your capacity to love!

So I challenge you to begin today to express love that is accepting, forgiving, kind, compassionate, non-judgmental, trusting and appreciative, and know that every time you express these feelings someone or something heals in some way. Love is really entirely up to you and only you can control what you feel. I imagine there is someone in your life who could use your love. Love is tru58Bly the answer for healing every relationship in this world!

Carolyn Porter, D. Div.
Empower Productions, Inc.
www.drcarolynporter.com
carolynporter@comcast.net

Carolyn Porter, D. Div., is a Spiritual Wholeness Coach, Inspirational Speaker, Author of multiple books, ebooks and audios, and an Energy Facilitator whose passion it to help individuals understand their magnificence and inborn power. Love is their natural essence and she assists people in returning to a state of living life through love as they create their dreams into reality. She recently opened a healing center called Where Miracles Happen in Woodstock, GA. http://www.drcarolynporter.com or 770-663-3991.

Southern Buddhism

How Well Do You Know Your SELF? - An Exploration of What's Inside

Many categories of self have common characteristics, and there is value in exploring them. By understanding their distinctiveness, we may gain a clearer picture of how each of us fits into the world.

Self-Esteem Also known as self-worth, a person's self-esteem is forged during the first seven or eight years of life. By then the mind has created the critical faculty (also known as the critical factor) to filter incoming messages, thus protecting the impressionable and immature subconscious. Until that is in place, absolutely everything a child hears, sees, and experiences will fashion a core belief that could be a lifetime guide.

If, during this critical period, a child consistently hears, "You are so disorganized, you'll never amount to anything," or similar judgmental put-downs, there is a strong possibility that the person will experience self-sabotage in later life. In transactional analysis, the core belief is known as the parent and it relentlessly directs behavior. Low self-esteem is created in an atmosphere of conditional love, and subsequently reinforced through negative self-talk. Unfortunately, contrary evidence is usually disregarded.

Some people endeavor to bolster their self-esteem through external elements, like marriage, alliance with others, and even the accumulation of money, titles, and degrees. While surrounding oneself with positive people has its benefits, it is problematic to define the self through external trappings.

Although it is a good thing to be proud of accomplishments, it is essential for people to make a clear distinction between their identities and their accomplishments.

All other "selves" emanate from self-esteem, that is, they take cues from the quality of the self-esteem. A fragile self-esteem will spawn weakness. A sound self-esteem, built in an environment of unconditional love, will sponsor resilient self-identities.

Self-awareness is the ability to reflect on our thought processes. We can become aware of many signals received from our bodies. We are not our feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and moods. These are simply processes that we experience and are not a "part" of our essence. We are able to objectively scrutinize the way we see ourselves. This social mirror of our place within humankind allows us to evaluate the roles of nature and nurture in our own attitudes and behaviors.

Self-acceptance is the coming to terms with who we are right now, just as we are with all our faults, weaknesses, and errors, as well as our assets and strengths. It is important to appreciate that the negatives belong to us they are not us. Recognition of shortcomings is a healthy first step in personal growth. The actual self is necessarily imperfect and dynamically striving for improvement. It is always a work-in-progress. Blatantly professing to be perfect produces great mental strain.

Self-honesty is being in touch with ones own basic human instincts for justice and fairness for self and others. It means being aware of rationalizations used to counter our conscience and other internal signals. It means ridding oneself of the need to appraise self-worth in external terms. It also means assessing ones strengths and weaknesses realistically.

Self-image is a custom-built collage fabricated from how we think others see us. We tend to draw conclusions about ourselves based on how we are treated. Psychologists generally agree that people underrate themselves. An inner sense of mastery and competence is developed only when we focus on our inner core of personal vitality and creativity rather than on seemingly negative evidence.

Negative feedback can be constructive in helping us get back on course; however, when we obsess about what others think, we relentlessly and consciously monitor every act, word, and manner. This creates inhibited, self-conscious perfectionists.

Traditionally, when employees demonstrated loyalty and hard work, they had an expectation of job security, regular pay increases, and promotions. Now, in many work locations, uncertainty and stress prevail. Habitual feelings of injustice lead to the victim mode of resentment and self-pity, thus lowering self-image and self-esteem.

Self-mastery is the knowledge about how to manage oneself on a daily basis so as to maximize accomplishment. Remember the old saying, By failing to plan, people plan to fail. Setting goals that are specific, timely, achievable, measurable, accountable, and realistic, and which demand just a slight stretch, have the likelihood of being reached, if combined with passion and action.

One constant in life is change. How we manage change depends on our experience and mind-set. An unpleasant encounter may subconsciously program us to either shy away from, or preferably, relish a new challenge. It all depends on how we perceive the original event. Some of my clients are stuck in their jobs, their relationships, or their lives in general. By remaining in their comfort zone, they are denyi5B4ng themselves opportunities to live at their full capacity. Self-mastery is knowing when to learn new skills or take on new responsibilities, when to hold on to beliefs that serve you, and when to let go of beliefs that do not serve you.

Self-efficacy is the context-specific assessment of belief in our personal capabilities to organize and execute what is required so as to achieve the intended goal. It is concerned not with the skills we have, but rather with our control over our own level of functioning. People with high self-efficacy choose more demanding tasks. They set higher goals, put in more effort, and persist longer than those who are low in self-efficacy.

Self-efficacy grows through personal and vicarious experience, discipline, and valid feedback. Although usually considered in a single context, there may also be a generalized effect reflecting a persons abilities across a broad array of difficult or novel situations. For instance, if someone is loved by a supportive family on the home front, then that person will display a greater confidence on the job. This will be reflected by peer and management feedback, which will, in turn, show up on the home front, perpetuating the cycle.

Self-confidence is an external manifestation of the health of self-esteem, self-efficacy, and self-mastery. Although it reflects the strength of these selves, it can be purposefully overridden to become a faad5A7e that we deliberately create for external scrutiny. I had a client who was a television actor. He once told me that actors often dont know where their next job is coming from. They may seem to possess a great deal of self-confidence, but often it hides a shaky self-esteem.

If it is merely bravado, it is shallow. On the other hand, the technique of "act-as-if" can have a positive effect on the subconscious, since it cannot differentiate between something real and something vividly imagined.

Self-love is the regard you have for your own happiness. It parallels unconditional love inasmuch as, no matter what you do, you nurture yourself by giving yourself permission to take pleasure in whatever life has to offer. In the therapy of Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), we use the phrase, "I deeply and completely love and accept myself."

Self-actualization is the realization of one's full potential through creativity, independence, spontaneity, and a grasp and appreciation of this world.

There were three brick-layers at work.
Each of them was asked in turn "What are you doing?"
The first brick-layer answered, "I'm laying bricks."
The second answered, "My job... to support my family."
And the third bricklayer smiled and said, "Me? Why, I'm building the world's most magnificent cathedral."

International speaker, Dr. Brian E. Walsh, is the bestselling author of Unleashing Your Brilliance. For much of his 30-year corporate career he was involved in human resources, specifically training.

While living in the arctic, Brian studied anthropology and Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP), which prepared him for working with other cultures. He was then transferred to China where he served as his companys GM.

After his return to Canada, he elected early retirement to further his earlier interest in NLP and hypnotherapy. He returned to formal study, and within four years had achieved his Ph.D. His dissertation, which focused on accelerated learning techniques, inspired his passion and his book, Unleashing Your Brilliance. Information is available at http://www.UnleashingBook.com

Dr. Walsh regularly conducts workshops on accelerated learning. He is a master practitioner of NLP, an acupuncture detoxification specialist, an EFT practitioner, and a clinical hypnotherapist.

Subscribe to his monthly eZine, "Enriched Learning" at http://www.UnleashingBook.com

Caroline Myss

6 Steps to Find The Person of Your Dreams

Finding your ideal partner or mate will be a life long quest for some a pipe dream for others and a reality for a few. Some people will just go with whoever shows any form of interest in them.

Much can be said about this subject, but i will try and list a few pointers,

1) Before you think about finding your soul mate find yourself. Finding yourself means, getting to a place where you are happy and positive about life doing the things you want to do, without thinking negatively about your lack of romantic action. This will make you more attractive in every way.

2) Have an idea about the sort of person you would like to be with, don't sell yourself short or be unrealistic.

Ask yourself "What do I have to offer what are my qualities"?

3) It starts with you, don't have a mindset of finding a partner to complete your life, a partner should enhance it, Don't put that added pressure onto a prospective partner. You are already complete.

4) Don't get desperate, be yourself be natural. The energy of desperation is unappealing to most people, it also portrays a lack of confidence, balance, immaturity and low values.

Have you ever been in a shop and the shop assistant continually harassed you about buying a product, Did that forthright mentality endear you to stay longer in the shop and purchase a product, or did it have the opposite effect ?

5) Be open with the right people (same and opposite sex) about your situation, don't be aloof and put up a barrier that says "I don't want you to know " let people know that you are looking for a relationship with the right person. Most people are not mind-readers.

6) Practice smiling more especially at the opposite sex, make it a natural part of your day, enjoy the process of finding that ideal person.

When you find that person

Don't try to change them, If you want to change someone change yourself, as Ghandi said "Be the change you want to see" If they are meant to be with you will both naturally change to compliment each other better. Trust nature in this

Allow them time and space to be themselves and make changes in their lives. Being joined at the hip or keeping a diary of their hourly movements will severely strain the relationship and drive them away long term.

Don't drop your friends, the572y will probably still be around when your relationship ends.

I am not being pessimistic I am being realistic, if it wasn't so most people would only have ever had one partner in their life.

Love them without condition not with conditions. Conditional love will only last a short time.

To obtain a FREE copy of my e-book "Attracting your perfect mate" click on link http://www.7ask7.co.uk/articles.htm FREE 15min taster sessions are also available worldwide, Roger Millar - Life, Success, Spiritual Coaching Tel no. 020 8357 9294

More Than Just Garbage Here

Did You Know That Anger Makes You Fat?

Mimi was proud of the ten pounds she had lost on her new diet and exercise regimen. It was easy and enjoyable. A few days later Mimi was part of a decision making team at work. Arguments and insults flying around made her afraid of giving her opinion. Right then Mimi sensed something was missing. She grabbed a pillow and put in on her abdomen. What a relief! During that stressful moment Mimi missed the 'padding' that her fat had provided. The cushion blanketed the messy feeling. Driving home she felt demeaned and diminished. Why was it okay for her colleagues to vent, but no space for her views? Anger frothed up. Her rage felt like a ball of sharp nails ready to lacerate her insides causing a bloody hemorrhage.

She stopped at a store and bought a quart of chocolate ice- cream and a large bag of potato chips. That combination was the her most trusted and true numbing device. Those sharp nails became frozen with layers of reassuring and calming comfort food. No chance of any disgusting leaks of weakness. Keeping her cool was rewarded by yummy admiration and scrumptious respect.

The Bad News

Mimi's body weight represented both the burden of her undigested emotions and those she swallowed from others by choosing not to be assertive. Mimi believed that she kept her close relationships with friends and family by being an ever absorbing sponge for their awful feelings. They perceived her as tough and indestructible. Keeping it all in was a badge of honor. Emotional constipation was Mimi's sign of power and resilience. She dealt with overflowing gunky confused emotions by converting the trash into fat. That weight smothered her instincts to e5B4xpress her individuality. The heaviness paralyzed her so she couldn't take risks with being herself.

Her weight went up and stayed up despite her punishing splurge with personal fitness gurus, coaches, nutritionists and all the advice in the best diet books.

The good news

Eating anesthetized slimy feelings. The weight she carried acted as armor against feeling abused, taken advantage of, and dismissed. Her fat was the one part of her she could trust. Her fat camouflaged her need for love, support and acceptance. Life was a breeze when she didn't have to ask for those basic things and risk rejection and ridicule.

Yo-Yo weight games

Mimi was successful with diets when she felt strong and an equal player in the world. As soon as that fragile mood was threatened by words of conditional love, put downs, and a dismissal of her opinions Mimi felt naked and vulnerable. Food was the comforter and the weight she gained became a shield against the abuse. The thicker the armor the less chance there was of being destabilized and out of control. The armor plating was solid enough to deodorize the stench of her own chaotic and stinky feelings. The armor did such a good job that she couldn't distinguish between her own mess and that of others. It also bypassed her emotional thermostat so that she never knew when she couldn't take any more of other people's trash. At the point of overflow food was the best5B4 way of resetting the switch and lowering the temperature.

Mimi's quandary: Looking good or feeling strong?

Did she focus on feeling physically attractive by losing fat, or feeling emotionally strong and protected by keeping the fat? Either way, she had to abandon one part of herself - a no win situation.

Emptying the Garbage Before It Turns Into Fat: Stopping the Yo-Yo

1. Mimi should begin by asking herself the following questions:
   • Why won't my family and friends like me if I show my feelings?
   • Why is it weak for me to show my feelings and get support?
   • Why am I so good at tolerating everyone else's overwhelm, and yet disgusted by my own?
   • Why is emotional constipation the only way of feeling strong?
2. Mimi needs to build a more flexible barrier between herself and others.
   • Armor is rigid and insensitive. Mimi's boundaries need to have a fine enough mesh to allow some mixing of feelings on both sides. That is mutual empathy and support.
   • A barrier that opened and closed as needed would prevent overwhelm and allow Mimi to distinguish between her stuff and other people's mess.
   • Giving herself the right to have bad feelings, show them and still receive love and acceptance (just as her friends and family do) will create a balance inside her emotional digestive tract. No more constipation.
   • Distributing the responsibility for relationship regulation and maintenance mean567s that the weight is not dumped on Mimi.
   • Mimi will be attending to all parts of herself without abandoning any aspect.
   • Mimi's emotional balance and flexible barrier means that she won't need food to do the job. Her weight will be more consistent and natural for her size.
   • When Mimi is comfortable with herself, her weight will reflect it by getting to an optimum place and staying there.

These tasks are difficult to do alone. Friends and family are part of the problem and cannot help at the outset. An objective professional such as a licensed psychotherapist can be helpful to get Mimi started on her journey and support her through the yo-yo's until she has the right barriers set up for herself.

Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

http://drjeanetteraymond.com

George Washington

Love, Anger and Forgiveness - How To Let Go And Be Emotionally Free Once And For All

Anger and forgiveness seem to be opposites,16D3 and in many ways they are. You may be surprised to learn, however, that they have a lot in common. If you make anger the "bad guy," you just won't get to the forgiving part. Anger has to be fully understood and released before you get to move on to the freedom of forgiveness. Forgiveness has to be fully understood before you can let go of resentments and be emotionally whole and free.

It all starts with love. We are born with the need to love and be loved, and no one, even the best parents, can meet that need perfectly. Therefore we all feel hurt as a natural part of life. And of course, there are those hurts that are inflicted by abuse, abandonment and neglect, in some cases extreme.

From this pain, fear and anger naturally emerge. It makes perfect sense to be angry when you're hurt. Anger is an important place to visit, you just don't want to live there. Here is where forgiveness comes in. Forgiveness is the process of letting go of anger and resentment so that you can go on with your life. Forgiveness is for you, not for the forgiven. That is essential to understand.

Anger and forgiveness seem opposite, in the sense that anger involves an intense focus on the "wrongdoer," and forgiveness involves shifting focus off of that person and moving on with your life. Yet there are some ways that anger and forgiveness are the same.

How Anger and Forgiveness Are The Same

Unhealthy anger and premature forgiveness both include:

-Judgment

-The "one-up" position

-Dishonoring to yourself

When you are angry at someone and blaming them, you are definitely judging them and putting yourself in a "one-up" position. The way you are dishonoring yourself here is that you are failing to look at your own creative responsibility in the situation. This is the hazard of the "blame game." When you are into blaming others for your feelings, situation or plight, you are making yourself a victim and denying your own power and responsibility.

Premature forgiveness is forgiving someone when you're not through being angry. You are still judging them, and therefore you're seeing yourself as "one-up." You are dishonoring yourself by pretending to forgive in your mind, when your heart and gut are still carrying anger and resentment.

Here are some important truths to remember when you're angry:

-The other person is responsible for his/her actions that triggered your anger. You are not responsible for their behavior.

-You are responsible for your emotional reaction and for your actions that result from your emotional reaction. They are not responsible for your emotional reactions or your behavior that results.

Here are some other ways that anger and forgiveness are the same. When anger is healthy, and forgiveness is authentic, both involve:

-Power

-Release

-Letting go

-No more victim position

-Operating in a container of love

Both healthy anger and true forgiveness involve the power of healthy release and letting go, which takes you out of the victim position. This can only occur in a container of love. Anger can only be healthy when accompanied by some degree of love and wisdom, and forgiveness can only be true when it is based on love for yourself and/or another person.

Understanding Anger

Anger is the most misunderstood emotion. Most people just think it is bad. Here are some common misconceptions:

-Anger is a bad emotion and should always be controlled

-It is possible to be without anger completely

-It is wrong to be angry

-To be angry means to be out of control

-Anger is the same thing as aggression

-When a person is angry that means they are not safe to be around

These misconceptions result from the lack of understanding of healthy anger. Healthy anger is:

-A feeling you have when you're threatened or opposed

-A protective emotion

-Powerful energy that can be used for positive outcomes

-Fuel for effective action

Have you ever taken action about something that made you angry? Think about MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Drivers. They got mad, and took action in healthy, appropriate ways to resolve the problem leading to their pain and anger. Here's the bottom line on healthy anger:

Healthy anger fuels effective action!

Understanding True Forgiveness

True forgiveness is something that only your body can do. Surprised by that? Here's the deal. Anger and resentments are held in the body as well as the mind, and your mind can decide to forgive long before your body is ready. Literally, your body has a mind of its own. Here are some things to understand about forgiveness:

-Forgiveness is not just a decision that you can make in your mind

-Forgiveness requires an emotional and physical release to be complete

-Your body is capable of holding onto anger long after your mind thinks it has forgiven

-Forgiveness does not absolve the wrongdoeryou dont have that kind of power

-Withholding forgiveness does not hold the wrongdoer accountableeveryone is accountable whether you forgive or not

-Forgiving doesn't mean you have decided that what the wrongdoer did is okay

-You don't have to wait for the wrongdoer to change for you to forgive

-You won't be able to forgive until you have fully examined the depth and extent of your wounds

-You won't be able to forgive until you have acknowledged the full depths of your anger

-Forgiveness is for you

-Forgiveness is good for your health

-Forgiveness allows you to be more loving and joyful

You will know that you have forgiven when your body is relaxed and your breathing is deep and easywhile you visualize the wrong5A8doer and say, "I accept you for who you are, with all of your best and worst. I no longer need you to change. I forgive you for myself, so that I can be free. I forgive you so that I can let go of resentments and feel love and joy in my heart, mind and body."

Your body will tell you if the forgiveness is complete.

Keys to Emotional Health and Freedom

-Take responsibility for your actions and emotions

-Do not accept blame for anything

-Place responsibility for others' actions and emotions on them

-Do not blame anybody for anything

Here are some thoughts to consider about love:

-Love can be intoxicating, and therefore can lead to unhealthy decisions

-The need to love and be loved is the most powerful force in human nature

-Love is who you are in your spiritual essence

-Conditional love is not really loveit is more about control

-The only real love is unconditional love

-You will always remember those people in your life who have loved you unconditionally

-You are at your very best when you are experiencing unconditional love

Life starts with love. Anger is an inevitable emotion, which can temporarily or permanently take us away from love. When we work through our anger, we can forgive. Forgiveness is a return to love.

The greatest of these is love.

William G. DeFoore is a counselor, executive coach, speaker and president of the Institute for Personal and Professional Development. As the originator of theGoodfinding audio program, newsletter and website, he has also been on the faculty of the Wellness Program at Cooper Aerobics Center for fifteen years. He has 34 years of experience in helping people achieve healthy, happy relationships.

Get free information, watch videos and purchase books, CDs and downloads at http://www.Goodfinding.com.

Noble Eightfold Path

How to Say "I Love You" With Meaning

I love you are three words all children need to hear often from their parents. Do you want those words to have real meaning to your child? Do you want them to connect one heart to another? Do you want to use these words to develop a level of intimacy in your family that communicates your heartfelt affection for your children? If so, consider strengthening I love you with the following suggestions.

1.) Use eye contact. Give your children your eyes when you say, I love you. Souls touch when meaningful eye contact is made during moments of intimacy. Touch with your eyes. Its a way of connecting that helps you bond.

2.) Touch. A pat on the back, a hug, or a high-five will add meaning to verbal expressions of love. So will a slight squeeze of the shoulder or a kiss. Take your childs hand in yours when you say, I love you, and add a tactile component to your words.

3.) Use names. The sweetest sound in any language is the sound of your own name. Names get our attention and build connectedness. Sadly, some children only hear their own names when they are in trouble. (William, you better get in here!) Add your childs name to your expression of love. I love you, Carlos, or Shingo, I really love you. Watch their reactions. Their facial expressions will encourage you to continue the practice of adding your childs name to I love you.

4.) Use the words son and daughter. These two words can add intense intimacy to your verbal expressions of love. I love you, son or I love you, daughter will create an emotion-filled statement that will invite an equally emotional response. Monitor your personal comfort level as you use these two important words. Notice your feelings as you say5B4 them, as well as the reaction you get from your children.

5.) Add nonverbal signals to your spoken message. Smile, wink, and add pleasant facial expressions to your words. Make sure the message on your face is congruent with the one coming out of your mouth.

6.) Do not use the word when as part of your vocal communication of love. I love you when you smile like that or When you choose that happy mood, I love you sends a message to your children that your love is conditional. What children often hear is I only love you when. To love unconditionally, say I love you without any condition attached.

7.) Remove the word but from your description of love. I love you, but. is usually followed by a concern, problem, or frustration. When we express our love along with a concern, we send a mixed message. When we do this, children get confused and conclude that the love part is a manipulation intended to soften them up before the real message is delivered.

8.) Add because you are loveable to your manner of expressing love. I love you because you are loveable is an important concept for children to learn. It helps them understand that your love is attached to no specific condition. It simply is. Be careful not to add any other words after because. I love you because you are thoughtful adds a condition that communicates conditional love. The only acceptable phrase to use with b581ecause is because you are loveable.

9.) Say I love you at unexpected times. Children often hear our expressions of love at familiar times. We typically say I love you when we are going out the door on our way to work. We say it when we end a phone conversation. I love you is often the last communication our children hear as we tuck them into bed at night. I love you at those times is often expected and certainly anticipated. To heighten the impact of these three valuable words, use them at unexpected times. Say them in the middle of a meal, as you are driving down the road in your car, or as you stand at the kitchen sink doing dishes together.

Some children are auditory and need to hear the words I love you. Others are tactile and need to be touched to feel loved. Still others are visual and need to see love on your face and in your actions. Why not give your children all three variations when you communicate your love?

Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose. They are two of the world's foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. To obtain more information about how they can help you or your group meet your parenting needs, visit their website today: 305http://www.personalpowerpress.com

Ulysses S

Relationship Myths - Eight Examples That will Doom Your Relationship to Failure

Relationship myths are everywhere. There are more than I can count. The fairy tales that we believe create all sorts of problems in our real life relationships. Let's look at eight of the many relationship myths that will doom your relationship to failure:

1. All you need is love

This one is nice to believe. Love conquers all. Reality check: love is an essential ingredient in your relationship, but it is just one of many. A good relationship needs other ingredients, such as respect, appreciation, and the ability to negotiate when in conflict, to name a few.

2. If my partner loved me, s/he would _____________.

This statement is one of conditional love. It's also quite manipulative. Essentially, it's saying this: "If you loved me, you would do what I want; you would even know what I want without my having to tell you." Wow, that's quite a heavy expectation from someone you love.

Does it work the other way around (If I loved my partner, I would ______________)? Not usually. Be careful. If you expect your partner to love you unconditionally, yet you have all these conditions for you to give love your partner, you are creating an unequal, unfair, and deeply unhappy relationship.

3. Love means never having to say you're sorry

Yes, the movie "Love Story" gave us that line. If you don't say "I'm sorry" when you've done something offensive, what does that say about you? Are you too insecure to admit to causing offense? Are you telling your partner you are so above other mortals that you don't need to apologize?

Are you so angry at your partner that you believe s/he deserves what you did? I sincerely hope not. If this is a habit of yours, examine your beliefs about apologizing. They may need revising. Otherwise, you may be headed for loneliness.

4. If the sex is good, the relationship will be good too

Too many people consider a passionate sex life to mean they are compatible with their partner. They confuse passion with love. If that's all you've got, it's not enough to sustain a committed relationship.

5. If I don't say what I think/feel, I can't be happy in my relationship

What are we, in grade school? "If I don't get to express myself, I'm going to pout." I've had thoughts I would not want people to know about; we all have. Some thoughts, if voiced, can permanently damage a relationship.

I'm not telling you to stuff all of your feelings and never say what's on your mind. I'm asking you to be aware of how your words can impact your loved one. Ask yourself, "If my partner told me what I'm about to say, how would I feel?" Think first before you speak, then be tactful.

6. My partner is supposed to make me happy

Some people work really hard to make their partner happy, believing it is actually in their power to create happiness in another person. Others believe that their partner holds their happiness in the palm of his/her hands.

Sometimes people who believe this myth spend lots of time complaining to their partner and nagging their partner. Danger, danger! Creating happiness is your responsibility, not your partner's. You can do this when you work together to build a respectful, appreciative relationship.

7. My relationship would be great, if only my partner would change

Maybe so, but your partner's change is not in your control. You can threaten your partner, further damaging your relationship, or you can take responsibility for the only person whose behavior you can change: you. That's a big enough job, believe me!

8. A relationship should be 50/50

If you got 50% of the questions right on an exam, you would receive a failing grade. Is that acceptable? This statement becomes a scorekeeping issue. I'll wash half of the dishes or mow half of the lawn. I'll do my part, but only if he does his share. Again, control your own behavior and do your part. That's 100% of your part, not a failing grade of 50%.

For more tips and tools for attracting love and prosperity into your life, visit http://www.sanantoniorelationshipcoach.com For weekly tips and tools sign up for Michelle's free newsletter, Relationship Success, while you're there. You can also visit http://languageofrelating.blogspot.com and http://powerofgratitude.blogspot.com Michelle E. Vasquez is a Relationship Coach in San Antonio, Texas. She specializes in helping people attract the life they want and create the relationships that bring them joy. She is available for in office and phone coaching for individuals and couples who want to create more joy in their relationships.

Home Guide and Informaiton Blog

How Well Do You Know Your SELF? - An Exploration of What's Inside

Many categories of self have common characteristics, and there is value in exploring them. By understanding their distinctiveness, we may gain a clearer picture of how each of us fits into the world.

Self-Esteem Also known as self-worth, a person's self-esteem is forged during the first seven or eight years of life. By then the mind has created the critical faculty (also known as the critical factor) to filter incoming messages, thus protecting the impressionable and immature subconscious. Until that is in place, absolutely everything a child hears, sees, and experiences will fashion a core belief that could be a lifetime guide.

If, during this critical period, a child consistently hears, "You are so disorganized, you'll never amount to anything," or similar judgmental put-downs, there is a strong possibility that the person will experience self-sabotage in later life. In transactional analysis, the core belief is known as the parent and it relentlessly directs behavior. Low self-esteem is created in an atmosphere of conditional love, and subsequently reinforced through negative self-talk. Unfortunately, contrary evidence is usually disregarded.

Some people endeavor to bolster their self-esteem through external elements, like marriage, alliance with others, and even the accumulation of money, titles, and degrees. While surrounding oneself with positive people has its benefits, it is problematic to define the self through external trappings.

Although it is a good thing to be proud of accomplishments, it is essential for people to make a clear distinction between their identities and their accomplishments.

All other "selves" emanate from self-esteem, that is, they take cues from the quality of the self-esteem. A fragile self-esteem will spawn weakness. A sound self-esteem, built in an environment of unconditional love, will sponsor resilient self-identities.

Self-awareness is the ability to reflect on our thought processes. We can become aware of many signals received from our bodies. We are not our feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and moods. These are simply processes that we experience and are not a "part" of our essence. We are able to objectively scrutinize the way we see ourselves. This social mirror of our place within humankind allows us to evaluate the roles of nature and nurture in our own attitudes and behaviors.

Self-acceptance is the coming to terms with who we are right now, just as we are with all our faults, weaknesses, and errors, as well as our assets and strengths. It is important to appreciate that the negatives belong to us they are not us. Recognition of shortcomings is a healthy first step in personal growth. The actual self is necessarily imperfect and dynamically striving for improvement. It is always a work-in-progress. Blatantly professing to be perfect produces great mental strain.

Self-honesty is being in touch with ones own basic human instincts for justice and fairness for self and others. It means being aware of rationalizations used to counter our conscience and other internal signals. It means ridding oneself of the need to appraise self-worth in external terms. It also means assessing ones strengths and weaknesses realistically.

Self-image is a custom-built collage fabricated from how we think others see us. We tend to draw conclusions about ourselves based on how we are treated. Psychologists generally agree that people underrate themselves. An inner sense of mastery and competence is developed only when we focus on our inner core of personal vitality and creativity rather than on seemingly negative evidence.

Negative feedback can be constructive in helping us get back on course; however, when we obsess about what others think, we relentlessly and consciously monitor every act, word, and manner. This creates inhibited, self-conscious perfectionists.

Traditionally, when employees demonstrated loyalty and hard work, they had an expectation of job security, regular pay increases, and promotions. Now, in many work locations, uncertainty and stress prevail. Habitual feelings of injustice lead to the victim mode of resentment and self-pity, thus lowering self-image and self-esteem.

Self-mastery is the knowledge about how to manage oneself on a daily basis so as to maximize accomplishment. Remember the old saying, By failing to plan, people plan to fail. Setting goals that are specific, timely, achievable, measurable, accountable, and realistic, and which demand just a slight stretch, have the likelihood of being reached, if combined with passion and action.

One constant in life is change. How we manage change depends on our experience and mind-set. An unpleasant encounter may subconsciously program us to either shy away from, or preferably, relish a new challenge. It all depends on how we perceive the original event. Some of my clients are stuck in their jobs, their relationships, or their lives in general. By remaining in their comfort zone, they are denyi5B4ng themselves opportunities to live at their full capacity. Self-mastery is knowing when to learn new skills or take on new responsibilities, when to hold on to beliefs that serve you, and when to let go of beliefs that do not serve you.

Self-efficacy is the context-specific assessment of belief in our personal capabilities to organize and execute what is required so as to achieve the intended goal. It is concerned not with the skills we have, but rather with our control over our own level of functioning. People with high self-efficacy choose more demanding tasks. They set higher goals, put in more effort, and persist longer than those who are low in self-efficacy.

Self-efficacy grows through personal and vicarious experience, discipline, and valid feedback. Although usually considered in a single context, there may also be a generalized effect reflecting a persons abilities across a broad array of difficult or novel situations. For instance, if someone is loved by a supportive family on the home front, then that person will display a greater confidence on the job. This will be reflected by peer and management feedback, which will, in turn, show up on the home front, perpetuating the cycle.

Self-confidence is an external manifestation of the health of self-esteem, self-efficacy, and self-mastery. Although it reflects the strength of these selves, it can be purposefully overridden to become a faad5A7e that we deliberately create for external scrutiny. I had a client who was a television actor. He once told me that actors often dont know where their next job is coming from. They may seem to possess a great deal of self-confidence, but often it hides a shaky self-esteem.

If it is merely bravado, it is shallow. On the other hand, the technique of "act-as-if" can have a positive effect on the subconscious, since it cannot differentiate between something real and something vividly imagined.

Self-love is the regard you have for your own happiness. It parallels unconditional love inasmuch as, no matter what you do, you nurture yourself by giving yourself permission to take pleasure in whatever life has to offer. In the therapy of Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), we use the phrase, "I deeply and completely love and accept myself."

Self-actualization is the realization of one's full potential through creativity, independence, spontaneity, and a grasp and appreciation of this world.

There were three brick-layers at work.
Each of them was asked in turn "What are you doing?"
The first brick-layer answered, "I'm laying bricks."
The second answered, "My job... to support my family."
And the third bricklayer smiled and said, "Me? Why, I'm building the world's most magnificent cathedral."

International speaker, Dr. Brian E. Walsh, is the bestselling author of Unleashing Your Brilliance. For much of his 30-year corporate career he was involved in human resources, specifically training.

While living in the arctic, Brian studied anthropology and Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP), which prepared him for working with other cultures. He was then transferred to China where he served as his companys GM.

After his return to Canada, he elected early retirement to further his earlier interest in NLP and hypnotherapy. He returned to formal study, and within four years had achieved his Ph.D. His dissertation, which focused on accelerated learning techniques, inspired his passion and his book, Unleashing Your Brilliance. Information is available at http://www.UnleashingBook.com

Dr. Walsh regularly conducts workshops on accelerated learning. He is a master practitioner of NLP, an acupuncture detoxification specialist, an EFT practitioner, and a clinical hypnotherapist.

Subscribe to his monthly eZine, "Enriched Learning" at http://www.UnleashingBook.com

Jesus Christ

The Next Election Will Be About Fear

Everything built up will fall, and all that falls will rise again - this could be called the cycle of existence. When things are about to fall in this cycle, there are premonitions that wash through our hearts, and the premonitions have definite signs:

We lose our Generosity:

We become increasingly out for ourselves, because we are afraid. Earlier in our history, we were fearless; we would give the shirt off our back to a neighbor in need even if it was the last shirt we had. We really cared for each other. But now, we can't count on help from our neighbors. It all began many years ago when we allowed the homeless to fend for themselves, and we guiltily looked the other way. We didn't even realize that we were becoming fearful.

"Others are my main concern. When I notice something of mine, I steal it and give it to others."

- Shantideva

We lose our Principles:

We can no longer define our principles. Whatever is required to meet our goals seems to be our morals now. And our goals...? To get as much as we can before someone else does. It all stems from fear, and we will vote for the one who promises to allay the greatest number of our fears, whether those fears are economic, religious, or political. We look to our leaders to do this for us, because we no longer trust ourselves to make a stand for what we believe. We can't even grasp right from wrong anymore; it all gets distorted beyond our comprehension.

1. Avoid killing, or harming any living thing.

2. Avoid stealing -- taking what is not yours to take.

3. Avoid sexual irresponsibility, which for m5B4onks and nuns means celibacy.

4. Avoid lying, or any hurtful speech.

5. Avoid alcohol and drugs which diminish clarity of consciousness.

- Buddhist precepts

We lose our Patience

When things don't go our way, we get angry; we can't accept the fact that we have problems. Problems are part of existence, and existence is conflict, but we can't see this, and we believe that existence should be easy. But it's not. So, because we don't understand, we get angry; we try to make existence bow to our wishes. Then we blame others for our problems.

"The Greatest Prayer is patience."

- Buddha

We lose our Resolve

"It is not good to begin many different works, saying 'This looks good; that looks good', touching this, touching that, and not succeeding in any of them. If you do not generate great desires but aim at what is fitting, you can actualize the corresponding potencies and become an expert in that. With success, the power or imprint of that practice is generated."

- The Dalai Lama

We lose our Wisdom

One sign is when, as a society, we begin thinking that we are infallible, that nothing can go wrong anymore because we have control - this is a sure sign that the fall is about to happen - we lose our wisdom.

"The mind is everything. What you think you become."

- Buddha

We lose our Compassion

Our love is only one side of a two-sided coin, the other side be5B4ing hatred. We love ours, but hate theirs. True compassion is unconditional love. Conditional love cannot help but have anger as its companion.

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

- Buddha

We lose our Truthfulness

Fear drives us to do whatever is necessary to secure ourselves, including lying. The entire world is becoming a used car lot, and we are either the customers being swindled, or the salesman doing the swindling. Whether it is mortgage companies, religious leaders, or politicians. It is all becoming untruthful.

"Three things cannot be hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth."

- Buddha

We lose our Composure

Whatever happens in the world cycle will arise and pass. Governments, movements, and politicians will come and go, but your own actions will remain in your heart eternally.

"The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed."

- Buddha

E. Raymond Rock of Fort Myers, Florida is cofounder and principal teacher at the Southwest Florida Insight Center, http://www.SouthwestFloridaInsightCent474er.com His twenty-eight years of meditation experience has taken him across four continents, including two stopovers in Thailand where he practiced in the remote northeast forests as an ordained Theravada Buddhist monk. His book, A Year to Enlightenment (Career Press/New Page Books) is now available at major bookstores and online retailers. Visit http://www.AYearToEnlightenment.com

Henri Nouwen

The Next Election Will Be About Fear

Everything built up will fall, and all that falls will rise again - this could be called the cycle of existence. When things are about to fall in this cycle, there are premonitions that wash through our hearts, and the premonitions have definite signs:

We lose our Generosity:

We become increasingly out for ourselves, because we are afraid. Earlier in our history, we were fearless; we would give the shirt off our back to a neighbor in need even if it was the last shirt we had. We really cared for each other. But now, we can't count on help from our neighbors. It all began many years ago when we allowed the homeless to fend for themselves, and we guiltily looked the other way. We didn't even realize that we were becoming fearful.

"Others are my main concern. When I notice something of mine, I steal it and give it to others."

- Shantideva

We lose our Principles:

We can no longer define our principles. Whatever is required to meet our goals seems to be our morals now. And our goals...? To get as much as we can before someone else does. It all stems from fear, and we will vote for the one who promises to allay the greatest number of our fears, whether those fears are economic, religious, or political. We look to our leaders to do this for us, because we no longer trust ourselves to make a stand for what we believe. We can't even grasp right from wrong anymore; it all gets distorted beyond our comprehension.

1. Avoid killing, or harming any living thing.

2. Avoid stealing -- taking what is not yours to take.

3. Avoid sexual irresponsibility, which for m5B4onks and nuns means celibacy.

4. Avoid lying, or any hurtful speech.

5. Avoid alcohol and drugs which diminish clarity of consciousness.

- Buddhist precepts

We lose our Patience

When things don't go our way, we get angry; we can't accept the fact that we have problems. Problems are part of existence, and existence is conflict, but we can't see this, and we believe that existence should be easy. But it's not. So, because we don't understand, we get angry; we try to make existence bow to our wishes. Then we blame others for our problems.

"The Greatest Prayer is patience."

- Buddha

We lose our Resolve

"It is not good to begin many different works, saying 'This looks good; that looks good', touching this, touching that, and not succeeding in any of them. If you do not generate great desires but aim at what is fitting, you can actualize the corresponding potencies and become an expert in that. With success, the power or imprint of that practice is generated."

- The Dalai Lama

We lose our Wisdom

One sign is when, as a society, we begin thinking that we are infallible, that nothing can go wrong anymore because we have control - this is a sure sign that the fall is about to happen - we lose our wisdom.

"The mind is everything. What you think you become."

- Buddha

We lose our Compassion

Our love is only one side of a two-sided coin, the other side be5B4ing hatred. We love ours, but hate theirs. True compassion is unconditional love. Conditional love cannot help but have anger as its companion.

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

- Buddha

We lose our Truthfulness

Fear drives us to do whatever is necessary to secure ourselves, including lying. The entire world is becoming a used car lot, and we are either the customers being swindled, or the salesman doing the swindling. Whether it is mortgage companies, religious leaders, or politicians. It is all becoming untruthful.

"Three things cannot be hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth."

- Buddha

We lose our Composure

Whatever happens in the world cycle will arise and pass. Governments, movements, and politicians will come and go, but your own actions will remain in your heart eternally.

"The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed."

- Buddha

E. Raymond Rock of Fort Myers, Florida is cofounder and principal teacher at the Southwest Florida Insight Center, http://www.SouthwestFloridaInsightCent474er.com His twenty-eight years of meditation experience has taken him across four continents, including two stopovers in Thailand where he practiced in the remote northeast forests as an ordained Theravada Buddhist monk. His book, A Year to Enlightenment (Career Press/New Page Books) is now available at major bookstores and online retailers. Visit http://www.AYearToEnlightenment.com

Sauniere Story